Kids These Days

I’ve given this a lot of thought during the thinking parts of my day. (That equates to short commutes, mile runs and right after some select conversations with my two children. In other words, I’m an expert.)

Here’s what I believe kids these days need:

• An instructional dose of ZZ-Top music videos to teach them about how to treat jerk faces after getting a makeover. It all leads to them riding off into the sunset with a crush. 
• An older sister’s Cosmopolitan magazine to help them solve all of life’s love riddles and self-diagnosis.  
• Soap operas. How else will they learn how complicated life can be and how glamourous people live?
• Enough rock love ballads to make them ugly-face cry and wish for a love like that as they call the area radio station and make anonymous dedications to their crush of the month. (Getting through the phone line will teach them patience at the same time.)
• Speaking of patience, how about they learn about the BUSY SIGNAL on the telephone? Remember what it was like before call waiting and getting a beep? How many times we would redial the number until we heard a ring. How many times we’d get yelled at by our parents because they couldn’t get through to us. 
• Horror classics like Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th and Halloween need to be watched without permission at a friend’s sleepover and feared for weeks after exposure. That’ll teach ’em to not listen to mom or dad – and give them a healthy amount of the creepiness in the world. (It’s not all rainbows, unicorns, puppies and scratch-n-sniff stickers like Trapper Keepers make us believe.)
• More cereal box toys. Because. 
• Hugs and support from parents – especially after the list above fails them.

Like I said. I’m an expert.