Archive | parenting RSS feed for this section

Innocence and Danger

5 Dec

It used to be breaking news would go over my children’s heads. Used to be, breaking news wouldn’t even be on TV because we’d have on a channel just for kids that never showed crawls or news cut-ins. Now though, my children are getting older and they are more perceptive and are sponges for information. Constantly questioning, reading things and figuring out what their parents are trying to secretly spell out in front of them.

This all became very evident to me this weekend while we were watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” on an Atlanta TV station. Our 5-year-old started to read the crawl at the bottom of the screen. The crawl was about a little girl, Jorelys Rivera from Canton, Ga., who was missing. “Three or four feet tall. Blue jeans and pink shirt,” our son read. Our 8-year-old daughter, only one year older than Jorelys, asked about her. What happened? Where is she? Where was she? Where is her mom? We answered the questions that we could and talked to them about how police thought she was taken from near her apartment’s playground. I stressed the need to be cautious of strangers, not really knowing if this was a stranger issue or not, just trying to reinforce to them about safety while we were on the subject.

I didn’t really think it would all register to them. Still at ages where the next few hours are what’s on their mind, I was quite surprised to hear my daughter say unprovoked after church on Sunday, “I think I saw that little missing girl in church today. She was sitting in front of us.” I told her that I thought that was very smart of her to be looking for the girl but I didn’t think that was her. She didn’t meet the description good enough. My daughter asked, “I wonder if they found her.”

She was really thinking about this.

How was I going to tell her what happened to Jorelys? That they found the sweet baby girl’s body on Monday. Should I? Would it scare her too much? But, sadly, terribly, it’s what happened. She should know. She cared about Jorelys. A girl who could have been my daughter’s friend. She carried her purse and diary to the playground like my daughter would have. So innocent and sweet. Like all our children.

I told her and my son. I didn’t get detailed. Just that I had sad news. They found the missing girl. I let the questions start, “Is she ok? Was she hurt? Where was she? Was she killed? Was she shot? How did she die? Who did it? But she was only seven.”

I told them that sometimes people are mean or not right and will hurt others, even kids. Police are now trying to figure out who did it. That the only people who really know now are Jorelys and the person who hurt her. “And God,” my daughter said. “And Santa,” my son added. “Santa knows.”

A child’s perspective of something so serious and sad. I explained that it doesn’t matter if Santa knows. This is bigger than Santa but his young mind was determined, “But that person who hurt her was not nice.”

Yes, buddy, you’re right. Not nice at all. The perspective of a child trying to figure out such a scary and heartbreaking situation is so confusing. I can’t even imagine what she thought. I wish she didn’t have to think it. Too young. So innocent. Only seven. With her purse and diary.

Tags: , , ,

Some people have fine china…

19 Nov

or some other special heirloom like a painting or jewelry that they hand down to their children when they reach an age when they can understand its importance, respect and appreciate it. This moment recently happened for Nia when I introduced her to the movie, Grease.

I actually can’t remember the first time I watched it because I’ve seen it so many times. I know I was 10 or younger. I have fond memories of watching it with my sister and also with my friend, Mary Lou. We would repeat the lines and sing along. We quoted it when we weren’t watching it. My sister and I had the album and I remember starring at the pictures on it as I listened. I even got to see Grease on Broadway in New York City. It is cherished.

I wasn’t sure if Nia would feel the same way. Or if she was even really ready for it. I know I didn’t realize most of the stuff they were saying but Nia is way more attentive and inquisitive. She asked questions through the entire movie and reviewed it. Nate even throw in a few peanut gallery comments as he caught scenes here and there.

  • “Why are the Pink Ladies making fun of Sandy? I thought they were friends.” (Inquired during “Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee.”)
  • “They are licking tongues!” (Nate’s reaction to the parking scene with Rizzo and Kenickie.)
  • Major giggles from both when Danny pulled the umpire’s mask after the foul ball call.
  • More giggles when Danny raises his arm in the air at the end of “Summer Nights.”
  • Censorship by daddy in the form of a loud clearing of his throat during a lyric about not being respectful to girls in the song, “Summer Nights.”
  • “They have wine!” (Reacting to the wine at the sleepover.)
  • “They always get mad at each other and then make up and then mad again.” (Nia’s general perception of Danny and Sandy’s relationship.)
  • “Sandy becomes this girl?! No way.” (Nia, pointing to the DVD case with red high-heeled Sandy on it.)
  • “What’s that called where they are? (I answer.) Drive-ins look cool. Do we still have them?
  • “The T-Birds aren’t being nice to Eugene.” (Said each scene with Eugene.)
  • “They used speakers back then? Now we have tvs for morning announcements.”
  • “Can I watch it again?”

She even asked to watch Grease 2 but she wasn’t digging that it wasn’t Danny and Sandy. As for me, well, I love a cool rider and I’m so happy to share this with her.

Tags: , ,

Conflicted Over a Crime

1 Oct

Nia recently witnessed a crime. She told me about it very casually as I tucked her in for bedtime. In between her prayers and happy thoughts we talk about so she has sweet dreams, she said:

“I saw someone steal a toothbrush today at the grocery store. A dad took it out of the wrapper and gave the wrapper to his little girl to throw away and then he put the toothbrush in his pants.”

She told me she heard the rip of the wrapper and that’s what got her attention to look that way. I was right there with her but I didn’t notice it. I probably was deep in thought comparing bread ingredients or some such grocery store necessity. She said she’s not sure why she didn’t point it out to me or tell me then.

I’m really surprised about that too. She always tells me all sorts of things. Things I don’t necessarily want to know about what her friends say and do and everything her little brother does to annoy her. The time she should speak up to me, for whatever reason, she doesn’t. I’m actually not even sure what I would’ve done had she told me at the time.

Would I confront him? Unlikely. I’m not the confronting strangers type. Would I tell the grocery store employees? I should, right? They are stealing. But then I think of the little girl. Do I want to cause her any more trouble or hardship than she already may be experiencing? Also, it’s just a toothbrush. Maybe the dad’s mad at the high prices and is making a point? Still doesn’t make it right though… What would you do? Would you confront or report?

I talked to Nia about it, in case it ever happens again. She knows that taking something that isn’t yours – or that you haven’t paid for – is wrong. We also talked about some things that may cause people to steal and how I can sometimes understand why someone in a desperate circumstance would feel they have no other choice. That starts getting confusing for an 8-year-old. Especially one who just watched a little girl about her age have to do as her daddy said and help him steal.

My little girl witnessed a crime but what’s more sad to me is that another little girl was involved in one.

 

Tags:

No Break for Behavior

22 Sep

I support cause and effect punishment. If you do something you know is wrong, especially after being warned and told not to do it again, there should be a punishment. Whether it’s being mean/hurtful to someone else, refusing to listen/respect adults or tearing the paint off of walls, there needs to be some corrective action taken and guidance provided about what is proper behavior and what is not.

What that punishment is has varied for us over the years. There were a lot of time-outs. There were a few spankings. Too many scoldings to count. Privileges and toys (once an entire doll house) taken away. Even soap (with immediate rinsing). The severity of the punishment depended on the no-no. We rarely had to punish twice for the same no-no. A lot of it was us figuring it out as we went. If it seemed like one thing wasn’t working after a while, we tried another. If it seemed the punishment really didn’t fit the behavior, we altered it.

This is why I’m so confused/surprised that I’m feeling that kids need a break now and then. We give plenty of warnings to allow them to settle down and make a better choice so our need for punishment has dropped significantly because they’ve learned they don’t want to be in trouble and that they want to do what’s right. I believe school does this too. I can count on one hand the number of times Nia had to “pull a stick” during her years in school. Nate is (knock on wood) actually doing great in school as well. He had to pull a stick once for keeping his feet on someone else’s square on the rug, which I’m sure boils down to a listening issue. He’s been doing so well at following all the school rules but then there are even more rules at after-school and I guess – well – he’s just a little tired at that point.

We got a note home from the after-school counselors saying Nate’s behavior is becoming a problem because he’s not listening. They were surprised because he is one of “their best kids.” I called because I wanted specifics so I would know how to help correct the concern. Basically, he’s not listening is what I was told.

  • He bounces in his seat on the bus. I told him not to bounce. Keep his bottom in the seat. It’s for his safety and all the kids because the bus driver doesn’t need distractions. He understood.
  • In the after-school room, he’s to listen to his counselors like he listens to his teacher. Be a helper, not a hurter.
  • If he brings another note home then we will take away privileges. No video games. No tv time.

Fine. But then I thought about it. So many rules. All day long. When I went to my grandparents after elementary school they never had a report for my mom. “Nikki wouldn’t listen. She sassed her grandpa.” I did that. Yes. But it was never relayed to my parents. After a day of rule-following so well at school, I was allowed a rest from the regime. To not listen here and there, without it being written up.

I guess it comes down to – I just don’t want to be nagging him all the time. Not good for any of us. A break is needed. I feel like it will be ok if I ease up on him for minor after-school issues. I think my working mommy with no family around guilt is blurring my behavior patrol glasses. I may need a time-out.

Tags: ,

School Picture Style Hopes

19 Sep

The worn sticker on his shirt read, “Smile! It’s picture day” but Nate had more in mind than just smiling. “Can I have spiky hair for pictures?” he asked on the way home from after school. “And a tie?”

With both of these hopes, I made him happy with an immediate “we’ll see what we can do” and told him we’d need to test out the spiky do after dinner because I was worried that it was going to be too short.

Sadly for the little man, I was right. He went running for his daddy’s hair “glue” (what we lovingly call the pomade) after dinner and we tried to get his little locks to stand up. His face in the pictures shows how he want from hope to hurt, saddened that his hair just wouldn’t spike.


I reassured him that he looks so handsome and cute without the spikes and that we’ll still put some glue on his hair tomorrow if he wants. That made him feel better. He was also cool that the clip-on tie wouldn’t fly with the color of his shirt. I’m still surprised he didn’t ask to wear a Braves shirt – although he may try to sneak on his Braves armband. As long as he’s happy with his style and smile when the camera clicks. Can’t wait to see his first elementary school picture!

Bed Check

31 Aug

At what age are parents supposed to stop checking on their kids in the middle of the night? I know there’s an expiration date on this parent habit but I’m not sure when it is. Whenever it is, I hope it’s not too soon.

I cherish the cracked door peek to make sure toes are tucked in under blankets and that a child isn’t lying sideways across the bed and completely uncovered (like I just rescued Nate from). I love smoothing Nia’s hair from her face and kissing each of the forehead. I look at their peaceful and comfortable faces and pause to reflect on how grateful I am for them. Children at rest. Beautiful.

As I shut the door, I think about when I should stop the nightly check. When Nia is 10? 12? I’m thinking 14…

Posted from WordPress for Android

The Repeat Knockers

25 Aug

Just get in the door after a long day? They knock.

Start cooking dinner? They knock.

Have a mouth full of food? Must almost choke as everyone feels the need to run from the table like it’s going to explode and surround the door.

Ready to start homework with the kids? Dog starts barking like someone’s breaking in because the doorbell rang.

Getting ready to enjoy that first sip of wine? Knock, knock.

By the sound of it, I want it the small visitors to our door ( often two or three times a night) to hit an invisible force-field whenever they attempt to step onto the front stairs. I really don’t. I’m actually glad that the kids are being included and making new friends in the neighborhood. They should. I have many fond memories of acting like we owned our ‘hood growing up. It’s just…I need about 75% less of the repeat knocking. I also feel bad when I send the hopeful children away because some dinner/homework/just-got-home time is in progress (I never mention my wine that’s being held behind the door where they can’t see).

I tell them to return at 7 and then the kids can play until 7:30. It seems though – small oversight on my part – they do not know how to tell time. Short of hanging a sign:

“Nia and Nate are not ready to play outside yet so please don’t knock and give our dog five heart attacks a night. And no, you can not take our cups – or Nia’s scooter – home with you. Also, there is a two limit ration on bandages unless it’s a true emergency. And, there is now a lock on the garage refrigerator. Sorry to diminish your hopes of an endless supply of soda.”

I think I’m just going to tell them to wait until they see Nia and Nate outside. Not outside? Not ready to play. Knock? They will NEVER be ready to play. NEVER.

Kidding. That’s for the back side of the sign.

The Repeat Knockers Having a Blast

Today, I learned …

22 Aug

It’s something we are trying with the kids. Tired of getting “I don’t remember” from Nate, Andrew and I now ask the kids to tell us three things they learned at school each day. If they can/do, they get 30 minutes of extra time enjoying whatever entertainment they want from the Wii to TV (after homework, of course). The lists below pretty much capture what each nightly review is like.

I asked Nate the three things he learned at school today:

  1. M is for Mater, McQueen and Mac. Oh yeah, and monkey.
  2. The precise way to hold a “parachute” for gym class, complete with showing me the way his fingers should look while holding this parachute. Also, that his gym teacher pretended to fall over when hit with a ball.
  3. To put your head down on the table when it’s time to be quiet.

I asked Nia:

  1.  Math taught them about different forms like standard, expanded and word.
  2. Science talked about sedimentary rocks, igneous rocks and volcanic rocks. (And she went on to explain a little about each one.)
  3. Reading was about a little boy who met an author and – according to Nia – it taught her to save a question about books just in case she ever meets the book’s author.

I learned:

  1. Nate doesn’t like to remember what he learned. I know this because of the frustration he gave me when I asked him if learned about a certain letter, word, number or color.
  2. Nia’s homework is getting really hard. Like, map/distance hard. Whoa.
  3. My brain hurt after my 45 minutes of homework and shared learnings – I can’t even imagine what it’s like for them. Did I tell you that the word ordinal was one of Nia’s spelling/vocabulary words. Glad she knew what it meant because I sure didn’t.

Then My Heart Sank Into My Stomach

18 Aug

“Can Nia come out and play?”

The group of three kids waited at our front door for the response. “Of course! Just a minute, she needs to get her shoes.”

Closed door. Scramble to get shoes. Flurry of excitement as Nia and Nate rush to the door to play outside by themselves with neighborhood kids for the first time ever.

I was excited. Was. As Nate’s yellow shirt got smaller and smaller walking toward the top of our street, I panicked.

“He’s just too little,” I cried to Andrew. “He’s too little to leave our street by himself with only other kids.”

“I think I agree,” Andrew soothed me. “Do you want me to go get him?”

I collapse in a teary mess on the steps, still in my work clothes. Still emotionally drained from the drive home. I nod. Still uncertain because I know he just wants to play with his sister and the kids. He just wants to be a big kid. But I just can’t let him yet. He’s too little.

My heart was in my stomach until I saw Andrew rounding the corner with Nate walking beside him.

Lighter heart. Nate didn’t seem to mind. After all, Andrew told him the kids could play in the backyard and he’d play baseball with him. Bribery to keep him closer to home. I’ll use it for as long as I can…

image

Peeping Mom

image

Tiny Yellow Shirt

Posted from WordPress for Android

The Light Under the Door

15 Aug

“How did you know?” He asked me as I ushered him back in bed – a place where he should’ve been sound asleep some 30 minutes ago.

“I wasn’t making any noise. I was so quiet.” He adds, still confused about how I caught him with a baseball hat on his head, frozen mid-bend at his shelf – instead of sleeping. He was, “cleaning his room.” A room that was not a mess by any means.

I smile while tucking him in again, “Mommy will keep that a secret.”

I can’t let him know that it was because of the light glowing from under his door. How will I bust him next time?

His room was pretty clean though. He even had all his baseball hats sorted according to team. He made sure the one I removed from his head was placed in the appropriate stack.

Night-night, Delay Nate. Sweet dreams of a cleaner room and tidy baseball shelf.

The Tidy Shelf (My Cleaning)

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →