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Need a Mommy Mulligan

12 Aug

Wow, I feel like I really blew that one. I wish it didn’t matter to me so much. Why does it? Why did I need Nate to wear nicer clothes (polo/khaki shorts, etc.) on the first day of school? I mostly think it’s because I want to take that obligatory first day photo where the kids are all decked out in their new duds. But that’s what I want, not what my kids necessarily want – and that should matter, right? I should let them have a say in how they’ll be dressed in that picture, right?

It’s just, based off the outfit that Nate picked out himself (by himself), his First Grade first day would’ve been captured like this:

  • Gray “fast” shorts (basically, athletic shorts) with a bright orange stripe down the sides
  • His new black sneaks
  • A white graphic t-shirt with a tiger and a monkey rockers in shades
  • Spiderman character socks

I told him that he could for sure wear that on Tuesday, except for the Spidey socks because they really didn’t match, but I wanted him to wear a polo shirt and dress shorts for the first day. He could even wear his new sneaks. He expressed his displeasure in many whines and dramatics, even telling me his new sneaks would look “weird” with the nicer clothes.

That’s when I spoke what I wish I could un-speak. I told him I wondered why that would look weird but the non-matching Spiderman socks with the non-matching shorts and shirt doesn’t look weird to him. He paused, defeated. I felt like a jerk. After all, the little man picked out that band tee outfit all by himself and laid it all out ready to go. It was something he would feel good wearing on the first day. I walked out and told him I’d steam his tee.

He came to me and said, “What about my nice shirt with the guitars?” I hugged him with tears in my eyes and talked to him about why it mattered to me like it did but that I should have considered his feelings more.

We compromised. He’s now wearing his polo shirt that has guitars on the chest with nicer shorts and he plans to wear the shirt he really wanted to wear on the first day – a violent looking doughnut tee that he thinks is funny (forced mom smile) – on the second day. (Turns out, I found a small hole that needs stitched in the band tee. I swear I didn’t put it there.)

The best line of the whole ordeal was Andrew asking me, “Did you tell him, ‘You go to school to learn not for a fashion show’?” (Thank you, Fresh Prince.)

I guess I need to take some of that advice. Besides, I have a feeling uniforms are on the way …

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Sweet Spree

6 Aug

There was the white sweatshirt with neon-colored, glow-in-the-dark hand prints all over it. There were the jam shorts. The coolots.  The acid wash jeans. That one white jean shorts overall piece with polka dots that really made my collection complete. (Rocked that one the first day of school.) All of it added up to hours of me in a dressing room and mountains of the latest department store styles.

I have very fond memories of those sprees with my dad from when I was a pre-teen. Wild fashion sense aside, of course. It was cool that he would let me pick out what I wanted – giving me the chance to feel independent and content with my choices.

This was the first year that Nia really wanted to contribute like that. She’s always been an easy shopper. I could hold something up, ask her if she liked it, and more times than not, she would. Done. This year though, she told me the stores she wanted to shop at (Justice, Crazy 8’s and Target) and walked in knowing the style she wanted.

We had so much fun. She seemed so confident about what she wanted, especially the zebra print belt and shiny heeled sneakers. We giggled in the dressing room when she tried on jeans and they were gigantic on her. She didn’t even have to unbutton them to get them on and off. Two Beans could fit in there. Each time she would grab one of my size 10 selections (just in case, you know?) that made her disappear, she would tell me, “See? I told you I was an 8.”

She is so excited to wear all of her new clothes and I didn’t have the heart to make her wait until school to wear her heeled sneaks. (I also wanted to make sure she could walk in them and they didn’t hurt her feet.) She wore them around the house as soon as we got home and then to the grocery store the next day. She wants others to adore them as much as she does, expressing disappointment as we left the store, “Nobody said anything about my shoes.”

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I love that you love them, Bean. I have a feeling they are only a glimpse of what’s ahead and hope shopping together is something we always enjoy.

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“I’m glad I don’t have a little brother.”

14 Jul

I never thought of myself as a “kid person.” I didn’t grow up dreaming of having babies and never really had plans about parenthood. I just existed. I wasn’t aware that at the time I was saying I wasn’t going to have kids yet (or soon), there was already a Bean on the way.

I guess then, I’m somewhat guilty for feeling the way Nia’s little friend did when she stayed with us. “I’m glad I don’t have a little brother,” she innocently said, not really understanding the hurt or feelings it cause. He had just been trying to hang out with them, which came across as pestering to them. Not being used to having a sibling around, that was understandably too much for the friend to handle.

I’m sure there are times when that thought may cross Nia’s mind too. What would life be like for her if she didn’t have Nate? I’ve even thought about it. What if we only had one? And, on the flip side, what if we had more children than Nia and Nate?

Here’s what I know:

  • I am so very thankful and complete to have both of our surprise blessings and adventure-makers in my life. Thinking of one without the other just doesn’t make sense and the thought only lasts for a second because it doesn’t matter. We have a big sister and a little brother and that’s all there is to it – and it’s pretty great.
  • Nia is glad to have a little brother – and he’s so lucky to have her. She just comforted him after he found out his cool red lace baseball cleats and special Dodgers t-ball shirt he forgot at summer camp are missing. When she saw his heartache, she sat next to him on the couch and rubbed his back as he softly cried. Later, as I was tucking her in, she said, “I feel really bad for Nate.”
  • Our little brother has informed he wants to be a big brother too. Asked as if we were not meeting production schedules or something, “When are you going to have another baby? I want a little brother.”

We told him that was very sweet of him but we have no plans to have another baby. Besides, we noted, the baby may be a little sister and who’s going to share a room with the baby?

“I will,” confirmed Nate. “If it’s a baby brother.”

I sure am glad we have our little brother.

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Five Minutes of “Small Talk” with Bean

9 Jul

Our conversation only lasted for about five minutes but Nia sure did cover a range of thoughtful and complex topics.

The bulk of the chat revolved around an experience she had a camp.

“When we were at the pool, there was a man with one leg there. One of the boys in my group was staring and making a big deal about it. As the man was taking off his leg to get in the pool the boy said ‘I can’t watch!’ like it was gross to him. I told him he should stop staring and saying that because it was disrespectful.”

I told Nia I was proud of her for trying to teach the right thing and explained that many kids – heck, even adults – will stare because they aren’t sure how to react when someone isn’t just like them. I told her one of our friends or family members could have something that makes them different/special – or even us – and how would we feel. She remembered the time we saw a man with no arms below the elbows and how he was still carrying snacks and a drink and had his little girl on his lap. She said, “It was amazing all that he was doing.”

From there, the topic of praying came up because we talked about praying for people to be ok and treat others kindly. She told me she thought it was nice to pray for others and not herself. She said, “I already pray that no catastrophes will happen to the world again because I don’t want people to get hurt or die. When I am scared that a tornado may come, I pray quietly and then I feel calm because it feels like we will be ok. I never pray for toys.”

I wonder if she prays for piano lessons though because that was the next topic. “Did you call about me getting piano lessons today?” I told her I sent an email with questions. “Did you send that email during work? Is that ok to do? You used to be able to do that at your old job. Do you remember when I came to your old work and sat behind you? I drew that picture for Tracy. I wonder if Tracy will always keep that.” I told her I wasn’t sure and that I got to talk to Tracy today. That made Nia happy.

“What about Ashley and Erika?”

“Yes,” I told her, “I still talk to them. In fact, those girls and mommy’s friends Marcy and Courtney are planning to come and visit us at the end of the month.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Girl stuff – for 21 years and up.”

“You could go to the movies. You could go see Madagascar 3 or Brave. I think that’s PG-13.”

Five minutes of chatting that I will always cherish. I hope my words will stay with Nia, “You have such a caring and considerate heart, Bean. Please don’t ever change it. Keep it safe.”

“Also, my age means I can see R-rated movies too.”

Recital Night Notes

12 Jun

After three years of being an unofficial dance mom, you’d think I’d have the tricks for a double recital (about 8 hours in performance mode) down a little better. These are some of my notes from this year to help me for next:

  • Many moms use clothing racks to wheel all their child’s costumes and keep them crisp and easy to sort through during the quick changes. I use one hanger. One hanger for four costumes, a t-shirt and shorts. I’m thinking about getting a rack if Nia’s costume supply grows. Also, if for nothing else, to reserve our spot in the dressing room. Which brings me to the next thing …
  • Racks are the boss. I had Nia’s costumes and accessories all nicely waiting in a small spot near her other dancing buds. I got there earlier than half the room to make sure I’d have a space because I stress about this. I get anxious. (I’m weird about crowds and having an area to work.) Well, a mom who was armed with a rack big enough for three girls’ fancies parked right in front of Nia’s things. I got a little flustered but handled it as “me” as I could. “Um, excuse me. Let me just grab our things … (mumble) that were already here and ready to go …” I probably still won’t get a rack but even if I did, I wouldn’t use it to shove others around.
  • I missed the memo about good snack ideas. Pringles seem to be the chip of choice. I’m thinking it has to do with the tube to prevent crumbs during transit and dressing turmoil. Nia didn’t seem to mind that she was pretty much the only one without the tube of salty crunchies. After all, I couldn’t find Pringles dill pickle chips. I just dumped the dill pickle chips I did have in a plastic container. Voilá. My version of the tube. I will remember grapes and cheese squares next year though. Chippies make for a great mood changer treat but healthy is best!
  • Kind of in line with moods, baby wipes are a must next year for erasing makeup smudges after the very tired performer understandably gets emotional because “I need more lipstick!” or “People are stepping on my blanket!” or “My feet hurt!” (Nia held it together without tears but I want to be prepared.) The outbursts I did witness are quite comical to me because they are usually over nothing and the drama is so overboard only the Coast Guard with a helicopter rope could rescue it from sinking. Or maybe chips …
  • I need to remember slippers and a robe or a wrap to help with Nia’s privacy concerns and comfort.
  • For goodness sakes mom (me) remember the dang body spray glitter! All the girls sparkle with it and it seems like the amount of glitter on both mom and daughter the next morning is directly related to amount of fun had the night before.
  • Bring the makeup remover with us so Nia doesn’t look like an underage college student after a night of hitting bars that don’t card. Also, to help keep her eyes from swelling shut due to sensitivity to the stuff that shouldn’t be on her face yet. Remove it ASAP!
  • This one I don’t really have to remind myself about but I want to always remember that in the craziness of the night, keep my smile and let the happy tears fall, cherishing these years of watching her grow into a young lady. I love being able to give her special one-on-one attention and praise. I want to always be her biggest fan and source of encouragement – and, of course, ready with her emergency dance chips.

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You Shine, I Smile (And Cry)

6 Jun

Will I always cry when you shine on stage, Bean? Tonight, during your third year of recital dress rehearsals, as usual, I couldn’t hold back the tears.

You look so grown up. You look so happy. You look beautiful. You impress me.

I’m so proud of you for remembering all of the routines. (Four this year with ballet, jazz, tap and clogging.) You worked hard all year to get those dances down and were brave to try out clogging before you even knew what it was. Turns out, you truly shine when you clog. I can tell you are having so much fun. My heart is overjoyed. Thank you for giving it a try and for never giving up when you messed up or felt a little tired. My emotions surrender to your spirit. And, your quick-stepping shoes.

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Restroom Stall Life Lessons

6 Jun

“Mommy, someone wrote ‘I hate myself’ in the restroom stall at camp. Why would they write that – and why would they write it on the stall?”

Such heavy questions weighed on me as I tucked Nia in and began her usual bedtime comfort ritual.

I tried my best to explain that sometimes people get really sad and they let those sad feelings change how they see themselves and how others see them. It was their way of letting out their sadness.

“That’s not good, but why write that on the stall?”

“When people are really sad like that they don’t always think clearly or worry about doing the right thing.”

I told her that I hoped she never feels that way and to always remember that her family loves her and is here for her – no matter if we argue or if things don’t seem to be going her way. She seemed happy with that and I was able to continue on with the night-night necessities of prayers, the classical music CD, legs rubbed and, the one thing I would love for Bean to always do before falling asleep each night, thoughts about all the happy things that happened that day or are ahead.

She rests her innocent heart so much better by focusing her mind on something positive and peaceful. It also gives me a chance to hear what made her happy during the day or what she’s looking forward to that week. Sometimes, we have some really good conversations during this time – me sitting next to a snuggled Bean, talking quietly in her dark, rainbow night-light room.

I hope if she ever has feelings for a restroom stall, she’ll remember our “happy things” time and talk with me instead.

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Lost in Translation

1 Jun

This isn’t a post about the health politics surrounding the packaged and bottled temptations whose fate is determined by the small fingers holding a few dollars and punching a letter/number button combination. It’s obvious by this post that I don’t forbid my children from standing on the other side of those temptations and waiting in anticipation for the coil to force their selection to them.

However, I only give my kids the resources to do this once a week at camp – on Fridays. Also, I’ve told them not to push the button that would release the caffeine to them. I’ve guided them toward healthier (because nothing is really healthy in there) choices but I let them decide for themselves. I do check up on them though. What did they enjoy? Tonight’s conversation really pushed my giggle button but I made like a defective machine and kept my laugh trapped to not embarrass Nate.

Me: “What did you pick from the vending machine at camp today?”

Nia: “Fruit punch, a cinnamon roll and some candy for my friend.” (I love that she shared her money but I hope her friend’s mom isn’t anti-snack machine. Oh boy.)

Me: “Nate, what did get from the vending machine?”

Nate: “Vending machine? Is that Spanish for snack machine?”

He was so serious and curious. What is this “vending machine” you speak of? Although, part of me wonders if he was just distracting me from what he did buy – a Powerade, a doughnut and hot fries. Glad I only give them money on Friday. I may have to cut it down to $2 … and a Spanish lesson.

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Sharing Her Wealth

26 May

Dragon Dollars: tokens that praise students for being ready, respectful and responsible. Students are awarded them from any teacher during the school day for doing something that falls in line with those three school character traits.

Did you help another student pick up some papers she dropped? Dragon Dollar. Did you turn your complete homework project in on time? Dragon Dollar. Were you following the rules in the hallway? Dragon Dollar.

Each week, the school would offer a store where students could cash in their well-earned paper Dragons for passes to skip a homework assignment, wear sunglasses, get an ice cream treat or bring a critter (stuffed animal) to school. Students could also save up for special events. Nate used some for ice cream and then 40 to attend his principal’s birthday bash. He was so excited for that. Then, there was Nia. She saved hers – wanting to make sure she’d have enough for the big celebration and raffle at the end of the year.

Nia earned more than 100 dollars over her Third Grade days. She was able to buy the $50 ticket to the Luau and a $50 ticket for the raffle. She was so proud and happy to be one of the few in her class who could afford to buy both.

When the day came, she made her purchases and then saw that one of her classmates was very sad when he learned he didn’t have enough for the luau or raffle. She knew what she had leftover wasn’t going to give him enough for those but, instead of spending her surplus on some extra swag for herself, she gave them to her friend. She says she doesn’t know what he “bought” with them, only that he was happy and thankful.

I was moved by what she did but I wanted to know more. Would she be so giving to someone who wasn’t her friend? Why didn’t the boy have enough Dragons? Did he not follow the rules like she did?

She told me she wouldn’t want to give them to someone who was mean to her. I told her I can understand that but it’s best to always be kind to everyone. She didn’t love this idea because she was thinking about one girl in particular who is mean to her and didn’t want to reward her for that. I can understand that and part of me agrees with her, but I want to teach her to be giving without judgement or preference – something many adults, even myself, find difficult at times.

She explained that the boy behaved, he just always spent his dollars each week, never saving them. This kind of ties in with the giving without judging view. A lot of people feel they shouldn’t give their dollars to someone who isn’t as careful with theirs. She didn’t look at it that way. She saw a friend who was sad and wanted to help.

I want her to always have the giving heart she has, but I also don’t want her to be a pushover. Difficult to teach and live out. I am so proud of her though – for saving her well-deserved dollars and for sharing without someone prompting her. That’s a great start.

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To Remember

16 May

So many times, I just file away certificates or awards that the kids get. I’ve seen ideas on pinterest about cool ways to display kids’ art so that it doesn’t stay hidden, piled in boxes in closets for years. I’ve framed a few of my favorites and always struggle with what to toss and what to preserve. The words on this certificate made it easy for me though. Cherish.

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I don’t know if Nia will always feel or think as she does now about God and/or religion and that’s ok. I still don’t always know if what I’m feeling or the religion I choose to participate in is “right.” I try to be ever-learning, open-minded and respectful to the thoughts and beliefs of others and that’s what I hope for Nia. To have someone write this about our 9-year-old is something to remember though and gives me hope that she will always be a thoughtful student to others.

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