A Lesson in A-S-S

5 Oct

She asked and I told her – over and over and over again. It felt like I said the word ass more during that ten minutes talking to Nia in the car than I’ve said in the past seven years.

It all began when she asked to listen to Pink’s song “Get the Party Started.” Her dancing class plays and she wanted to continue rocking out to it after class. The difference is, the version her dance class uses is probably G-Rated. The version I played had the lyrics: “I’ll be burnin’ rubber, you’ll be kissin’ my ass.”

Nia: What does that word mean, momma?
Me: Um, well, it can mean a few things. Some say it as another word for donkey to mean silly or stupid. They say jackass instead of donkey. Like, that person is a jackass. But that’s not nice and we shouldn’t say it. It’s also used as a not nice way to say bottom or butt. (Clear my throat.) Ass. We also shouldn’t say that.
Nia: How do you spell it?
Me: Why?
Nia: Just ’cause I wanna know.
Me: Well, you spell it a-s-s but you don’t need to spell it or write it or say it. Ok?
Nia: Ok, but can I tell my friends I know what it means?
Me: No! I mean, no, because they might not know what it means and their moms and dads won’t want them to know yet. You let their moms and dads tell them like I told you. You shouldn’t say the word because it’s not nice and you’ll get in big trouble if you say it. Your school will probably call mommy and daddy at work and you wouldn’t want that, right? I’m telling you what it means because I’m teaching you so you know and know not to say it. Ok?
Nia: Ok. How do you spell it again?
Me: Nope. I think we should be all finished talking about it because I said it way to many times just now and we should just be finished.

And deep breath. Did I do the right thing? I have no idea. I suppose I could have just said, “You don’t need to worry about it or say it and that’s all you need to know” but I want to be able to talk with the kids and not hide things from them. I also really appreciate that they come to us with questions and I hope it stays that way – pain in the ass or not.

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Worse Than a Horror Movie

4 Oct

I felt the blood leave my face. The goosebumps broke a new record in how fast they appeared on me. I dramatically yelled for Andrew to save us all from the two black widow spiders and their eggs living in our garage. It was the first of three major insect sightings we discovered in or around our house this past weekend. Something I’m still struggling with thanks to my fear of all things bug.

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The next discovery caused me to gasp in amazement. I’m so thankful we found this mound of fire ants hiding under second base before Nate did while rounding the base:

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I had to do a double take on this one because it was so well camouflaged. Do you see it there? The Praying Mantis? We let it hang out on our porch but I really hope I don’t find it inside one day.

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What’s up bugs? Did they all get the insect-vite to invade on that certain day? Well, I officially uninvite you. Forever.

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Mommy Mysteries

30 Sep

How did you do it, lady? How did you manage to stay so mom-like and proper around me as I grew up? I can’t help but wonder (and, heads up, some of these are TMI) how you managed to:

  • Watch what you wanted on tv even if it had adult tones to it? I remember the CBS Soaps and Hill Street Blues in the background. I’m lucky if I get to watch Top 20 Video Countdown on Saturday mornings.
  • Deal with how grown-up I played Barbies? Or is that why you never played Barbies with me? I understand. I don’t really love playing Barbies with Bean but I don’t know how to tell her no without making her feel bad. You never made me feel bad. I bet my storylines stressed you out. I know they would me if I heard Nia throwing Ken off a balcony because he cheated on her with her sister. (Maybe those Soaps sunk into my head?)
  • Hold your gas around me? Yes, I mean toots. I don’t ever remember you letting one rip when I was a little kid. I hope my kids can forget their mommy’s noisemakers. They usually cutely yell at me, “Mommy!” What?
  • (This one is TMI you can never unread.) Change your lady products without young me barging into the bathroom mid-change? Sure, locking the door seems so simple. Even if they don’t see the act in progress, they still see the product which prompts questions.”Why do you have a diaper, mommy?” Yes, I answered it without really answering it. “It’s not a diaper. It’s not for pee, it’s for something elsethatI’lltellyouaboutlater.”

I guess I have created at least one mystery. Just on another level.

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Scary Pants

27 Sep

The dark. Monsters under the bed, in the closet or waiting to grab your ankles as you walk up/down the open basement steps. Fire. Strangers. The vacuum cleaner. All are common fears we suffer through and torment ourselves with during childhood. Maybe yours, though, is not so common. Tonight, I discovered Nate’s unique dread. Sweatpants.

My word. The boy lost his stuff when I wanted him to try them on. These are a few of his protests through tears: “But I don’t like them!” “They’re too big for my body!””They’re just, they’re just, no!” “I want to wear my fast pants!”

I know he’s not really afraid of the sweatpants but his reaction sure made it seem that way. Maybe he’s just taking a stance against certain sports wear? Next time, I will attempt to introduce the sweatpants into the wardrobe a little more subtly. Say, in the dark? While telling him the sweatpants monsters will come out of the closet if he doesn’t wear them?

Never! Sometimes, I just need a little demented humor to help me deal with the parenting things I don’t know how to deal with. I mean, I’m pretty much the opposite of Nate. I like sweatpants so much, it’s scary.

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Cookie Killer

26 Sep

It’s official. I am incapable of making cookies. I endured another disheartening attempt this weekend – it was such a disaster that it prompted a “What is that?” from Nia and a fit of giggles from Andrew.

I don’t even know what I did wrong. I followed the recipe on the back of the Heath Toffee Bits bag. I did everything it said to make Oatmeal Toffee Cookies. The batter was yum and the kids and I enjoyed stealing swipes off the mixer. I was feeling good at this point.

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It all looked, smelled and tasted promising during these stages.

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But then … “They look like pancakes!” Andrew said as he lovingly laughed and gave me a hug.
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From there – it got worse. This mound below prompted Nia to review, “It kinda looks like chicken.”
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Glob and milk anyone? Anyone?
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Despite their appearance, the bits actually still taste pretty good. Since I hated to waste my noncookie creation, we’ve decided to mix the globs with scoops of vanilla ice cream. Out of disaster, comes new dessert.

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Hollywood on Booker Hill

25 Sep

I’ve seen quite a few interesting things while growing up in my childhood neighborhood in Weirton, West Virginia. There was the time someone stole a roll of our old carpet off our back porch. Two other times, some high school boys thought it would be hilarious to build anatomically correct snowmen on our front steps. Another time, my friend and I thought it would fun to tie blankets together to climb out of my second story bedroom window – you know, like they do in the movies.

Well, now the movies are in my backyard but I’m sadly not there to see it. I’m living through Facebook pictures, news stories and the detailed descriptions from my mom.

I can see my bedroom window in this picture! It's above the crane. (Photo courtesy: http://www.super8news.com)

She and the neighbors we’ve lived next to since before I was born are now outsiders in the middle of movie making. It’s a J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg movie called Super 8 and it’s unreal. Although the neighbors are excited about the opportunity, they’re having to adjust to the change in their day-to-day lives – having to park blocks away and walk, people and movie props (tanks!) all over the place, movie people using my mom’s planters as a garbage can (they cleaned it up) and the security guard who shined his light in her face as she walked to her house. (He said, “I’m the security guard.” She replied, “I’m the neighbor.”) Our one neighbor was also getting a little uneasy about how they kept wanting to use more rooms of her house. They had already gutted the living and dining rooms of all their current possessions to transform it with 70’s style decor – then they added the kitchen, a bedroom and the garage to the movie set. My mom also keeps saying, “I can’t believe how many people they need to make a movie!” Still, it’s hard to complain about something so incredible and they are all anxious to see what it will look like on the big screen.

It’s not just my neighborhood that’s hosting Hollywood either. Many areas throughout the city are feeling the effects of movie magic and – from what it seems – many people are loving it. Here are just a few of the news articles and scoop stories talking about the experience:

I just hope it all turns out to be a great thing for Wild, Wonderful, (Weirton) West Virginia. The city has had its hardships (terrible flooding and a huge hit to the steel mill) and some of the scenery has changed (a “Cafe and More” with video gambling in it on almost every corner) and this movie seems to be a boost for the city. I love my hometown, always have. I would probably still live there if another love (hubs) didn’t have to listen to the Army and move to another state. Funny how we chose a town that reminds us of Weirton, only with a southern spin on it.

Good luck, Weirton! I hope Hollywood is kind to you.

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Too Much Skin for Sesame Street?

23 Sep

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Whoa, I guess Katy Perry isn’t welcome in the PBS neighborhood. It seems “Sesame Street” has decided against airing the scantily clad Katy – or maybe it was her singing? – on PBS after getting complaints about it. I find this whole hoopla over what she was (not) wearing during her song and dance with the furry, red monster a riot.

Our kids see references to relationships and sex all around them every day. In their cartoons, male characters whistle and pant when a female character walks by. Often, those female characters are dressed very womanly – don’t tell me Princess Fiona’s dress didn’t accentuate her curves and cut a little low to reveal some ‘vege. Or, what about the Disney girls? Where was your problem with that? A crab telling a voiceless hottie how to “kiss the boy.” Why is Katy Perry in a skin-showing frock any worse during her two and a half minutes of screen time?

Sometimes, I think the reaction we have to things makes them a bigger deal than they actually are. My word. How much of any of it do you think your preschooler picks up on anyway? I’m sure that’s why my thoughts above never bothered you – those scenes are so subtle, right? Let’s say the kids don’t pick up on it – I’m sure many of us have something questionable from our childhood that we encountered and didn’t realize it how sexual or terrible it was. I watched Grease over and over again and sang along – not having any idea I was singing “pussy wagon” or the “chicks will cream.” Also, what was happening in the backseat of that car?

I find it hypocritical and confusing that, as a society, we have become accepting of so much around us that it just doesn’t make sense to me when we try to say, “Oh, hold up! That’s just wrong! But that over there – that lingerie ad, that music video, billboard, commercial, magazine cover, tv show – those are all ok.” Why? Because they aren’t aimed at the children? Well, unless you have them only watching “Sesame Street” (except for when Katy Perry was going to be on) and walking around with plugs in their ears and covering their eyes – they’ve certainly been around it. Try checking out with a child at the grocery store. While you unload your cart, their eyes are on the candy and the eye-candy on the covers of the mags. Nia actually moves the censor-shields out of the way to ask me why they’re covered.

Now, there’s an idea – talking to a child about why something was a certain way and why you think it should be different or not. Whatever. Watch Katy Perry and if they seem to mimic a behavior you don’t like, discuss it with them. Educate them. Help them grow into responsible, considerate adults who maybe won’t want to put the sexy dressed star of their time on a children’s show. Or maybe they will and it will just fine because – in the future – it will be sunny days and everything will be a-ok.

By the way, in case you’re wondering, I’m actually not a fan of her (lack of) attire on the appearance. I’m also disappointed in Elmo for not offering her a jacket. I thought that monster had manners. He could have taught Katy about dressing for the occasion.

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I don’t Facebook like you anymore

19 Sep

I lost a Facebook friend this week and I can’t fathom why it bothers me like it does. The only reason I even realized my friend number shrunk is because I had an even number – 390. When 389 caught my eye I immediately started to wonder what I did wrong. Did I update too much? Did I offend update? Did I TMI update? Maybe I haven’t been liking any of his/her updates? I say his/her because I have no idea who decided to unfriend me. Some friend I am.

That’s one reason why I can’t understand why I’m so concerned. Why do I need to know what lead to the dumping? Why am I putting myself through this? I thought I was through the phase of wanting validation, acceptance and friendliness from others. Why am I voluntarily involved in something that makes me feel like I did in high school?

On top of that, what is up with us putting the extra level of etiquette and work on ourselves? Did I wish that person a happy birthday? Did I thank someone for wishing me one? Did I respond to that comment in a timely manner? Am I neglecting a friend? Oh my, I missed that terrible news because I have that person hidden! Now, I’m a total jerk. Ah!

Too. Much. Pressure. Also, too much judging. How many people have unfriended/hidden someone because that so-called “friend” posted something annoying/insulting/political/stupid? Even news organizations and others claiming to be experts in the social media field have an opinion on improving your Facebook reputation. CNN wrote about “The 12 most annoying types of Facebookers” (there’s even a quiz for you to test yourself) and a Google search offers plenty of tips on how to be the better updater.

I guess, it’s really not that much different from buying a book or searching for tips on how to be a better in-person communicator or how to make people like you. That’s why I’m wondering if the whole Facebook world is really worth all the extra effort? Keeping friendships in the face-to-face world is hard enough. At least there I know which friends I’ve lost and what happened to cause the sad split. However, I’m pretty sure I’ve never had 389 face-to-face friends at one time. I wonder how much that number will change after I post this?

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Well, I didn’t collapse so that’s good

16 Sep

What do you call a person who participates in a three mile run/walk without weeks, days or even minutes of exercise prep and gets less than three hours of sleep the night before the race?

I must be crazy. I made it though (along with thousands of others who filled downtown Atlanta streets) and I don’t really hate my time. (45:30 or about fifteen minutes per mile.) Other than that here are some additional observations/experiences from my second attempt at a 5K.

  • I didn’t dare to stop to tie my shoelaces. I was afraid that if I stopped for even just a few seconds, I wouldn’t be able to start again. I also thought about how tripping would slow me down as well but I justified that by telling myself my chances of tripping were slim. I would face-plant due to exhaustion before shoelaces.
  • I was double-fisting at the fitness event. I started carrying a water bottle and a sports drink bottle. I ended up throwing both half-full bottles in the garbage.
  • People seemed to walk faster for the free t-shirt at the end of the race then during the race.
  • Both older and younger walkers crushed my time. One example that stands out in my mind involves an elementary schooler who held hands with her mother as they walked and crossed the finish line. (It was really sweet.)
  • I’m going to hurt in the morning. Wait, scratch that. I’m hurting now.
  • I didn’t know you could get blisters in between your toes.
  • The smells of food cooking, something burning and the sewer are never great during a race like this.
  • There were boxes and boxes o f bananas. I also saw a few whole nanas on the ground. The event was flooded with the yellow-green fruit.
  • Walking is hard.

I’ve decided my next race will include some prep work. I want to make an improvement on my time and, more importantly, reduce my body aches.

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I like you in real life, but not in e-mail life

16 Sep

I had a recent in-person conversation with someone I thought was cool. That was until that person told me she hated when people peppered their e-mails with exclamation points. I immediately did the wrong thing. I decided, I don’t think this person is that cool anymore. Why? Because I’m an exclamation pointer, of course!

What? Really? Did I just form an opinion of someone because of her attitude toward electronic communication? Ridiculous and common.

  • Maybe you dislike the person who never shows emotion in their e-mail. Their message sounds dry, cold or demanding. Maybe you’re the opposite (like my uncool acquaintance above) and can’t stand it when people use the exclamation point.
  • The same goes for the smiley face. Maybe you think it helps signify that you’re kidding, friendly or providing service with a smile. Others, though, may see it as unprofessional. They automatically don’t take you seriously and won’t be able to anymore.
  • All caps – why are you yelling at me? No caps – lazy much?
  • Nice in person but an a-hole online? An a-hole in person but suddenly get a sense of humor in every e-mail you send?

Have your own e-mail annoyance?

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